watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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