i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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