insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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