Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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