Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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