eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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