just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
