Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
