dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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