So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
