Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Help. Why am I so naked?
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