My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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