you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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