Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
