This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
