You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
