it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
