If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
