i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
