I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
