Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
