i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
