I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
