I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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