I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
