Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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