What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
