I am spending my child support on dildos
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
