yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
where are my eyebrows?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
