I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
