HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
