no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
