you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
