Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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