I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
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remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
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It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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