It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
