The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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