I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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