You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
The uberlube is also flammable
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
