Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
