Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
