I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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