I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
