I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
