I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
