i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
