Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
