another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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