Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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