in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
