I'm lost and stupid without you.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
