I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Randomize
