I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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