Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
as a side note pls kill me
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
