Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
