I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
